In Defense of Ennui and Embracing Boredom

Here’s a fair warning before you start reading this- this article is not a click-bait to give you 5 ways to be productive or 6 ways to motivate yourself or 7 ways to fill your life with activities you may or may not care about. This, is in fact is an article intending to make a case for just the opposite. This is about inviting joblessness in your life. This is about what Victor Hugo called out as worse than the hell of suffering in ‘Les Miserables’- This is about the hell of boredom. Long story short, this article is every type A personality’s worst nightmare.

Ennui is a beautiful French word that describes the ugliness or angst that arises from boredom and listlessness. And I have had the chance to experience it first hand for some time now, owing to a slew of minor illnesses and a brief professional rut. And I have come to discover an elusive form of productive boredom that comes from this ennui.

Let me begin by throwing in a provocation, do you have any idea how difficult is it to experience absolute boredom these days? With an endless number of entertaining resources at our disposal, it’s virtually impossible to not find something that would interest you, even if mildly. Because the kind of ennui I’m talking about needs you to be switched off from anything you might find remotely engaging (in times of Netflix, Snapchat, BuzzFeed, You Tube Comment Section and the others). It means saying no to personal and digital stimulation we crave with a vengeance that can put smack addicts to shame. This is a deliberate form of boredom that is highly counter-intuitive and superficially meaningless. So why am I still preaching you ask? Because this ennui is the the single most clarity-providing, mind cleansing, self-explorative gift you can give yourself.

The first thing that hits you when you step into the world of ennui is a hot pile of raging discomfort. The type of uneasiness that you feel when you are sitting alone in a restaurant waiting for a friend who’s obviously ’5 minutes away’ and your phone battery dies. The excruciating moments of acknowledging your physical and mental environment because sweet escape is not an option.

Once you realize you are now at the mercy of your own company, mind and personality, there are questions that you are forced to ask yourself that you may or may not have in a long time. One of the crucial facts to know about about boredom, deliberate or not, is that there is something that leads to it. More often than not, we deny ourselves the privilege of actually questioning our status quo but our beautiful minds have a way of reminding us that all’s not well in this professional or personal paradise. And it does so by pushing us towards the itchy feeling we call boredom.  As we finally acknowledge this listlessness, we reach the inflection point of ennui leading to productivity.

This is where the fun begins, because now you are ready to jump in the scary deep side, and on the other side of it will be the beginning of something exciting and sometimes an existential crisis- but mostly exciting.  Some of the amazing things that might happen when you take the leap-

-       Finding Meaning- What gives your life purpose? What’s really important to you? We stop asking ourselves these questions in the daily drudgery of our existence, but an extended period of boredom is perfect to bring focus to your internal self and live more mindfully

-       Goals setting - In the rush to get things done and make every second count, we tend to lose sight of what we want from work, people and life in general. Boredom steers us towards these uncomfortable thoughts we tend to bury in the name of consistent productivity

-       Pacification- Boredom often urges you to address some of your negative emotions. Like therapy, it makes you question your buried emotions and moves you towards resolution- with people or situations.

-       Observation- When was the last time you truly noticed something beautiful outside your smartphone? We are missing out on so much in reality to ‘catch-up’ on the digital world. Look up folks, its not all smog and mirrors.

-       Creativity- This is the most scientifically backed repercussion of boredom. How many times has the inane task of showering has given you some of your best ideas? I can’t even begin to count. Without an external stimulation, the mind wanders in places inside your head that might give you the next big idea for that client pitch meeting or solve a problem you have been slaving at for months. You are welcome!

But hey, if don’t believe me still, try it for yourself. Next time you wait for someone, look around you and take in the details or look inside you and question yourself. Allow yourself the downtime and cut your ‘productive’ self some slack. Recognize ennui for the powerful tool it is, and feed your mind the occasional idleness because unlike popular opinion, nobody dies of boredom. And now excuse me while you munch of these thoughts and I go chase butterflies in my imaginary yard.

The Romance and Tragedy of Freelance: Suggestions From a Newbie to a Wannabe

Hey numerophiles, here’s a figure for you- 90% of working professionals (I have met), at some point in their lives, very vividly dreamt of shutting down their laptops dramatically, putting on their game face, walking up to their managers and announcing that they are quitting their jobs. For they are now taking the plunge into the sweet sweet world of freelance where unicorns replace wicked bosses and rainbows replace drudged cubicles.

“Thank you so much, it’s been a great learning experience, personally and professionally.” Mic Drop."

I am happy to announce that roughly three months back, I realized this dream. And I really want to say that I worked happily ever after, but that wouldn’t be true, not entirely at least. Don’t get me wrong, its been a fulfilling time so far, but nowhere close to being as dreamy as I thought it would be. So here I am, in the interest of my unknown LinkedIn gang, sharing a list of prositives and consitives (Yes, these are the full forms, they have to be!) for those kindred spirits who have no idea what they are getting into.

What might work-

World’s your oyster aka Flexibility: And don’t we love it? In our bodies and in our schedules. The freedom to work, whenever you want and wherever you want, is easily the biggest prositive (I’m sticking to it) of being a consultant or freelancer. As long as you have interwebs between your fingers, your workstation could be a sea-side shack or a cabin in the woods. Nothing will stand in the way of you delivering to your clients while experiencing the joys of different views every few days or weeks. 

You do you aka Ownership: This is a big one, for those who detest the bureaucracy of an established workplace where most briefs are expected to be executed without room for discussion or dissent. Being your own boss is exhilarating most times, and scary some times. Either way, you will learn a great deal from knowing that 100% of what you deliver is coming from you. No stolen ideas or forced-down strategies in this wonderful world, ladies and gents

Keeping it fresh aka Improvisation: Stemming from the same school of ownership, freelancing lets you improvise your vision if you aren’t too invested financially (in which case, sorry sweetie!). The proverbial sky is the limit to what you can do, as long as it flames your passion. A move from writer to filmmaker or marketer to strategist, nothing is impossible with determination and enough bucks in the bank.

What usually doesn’t-

People or lack thereof: As a perennial people hater, I was surprised to discover how much I miss a social environment to work. You could be the most introverted of the lot, but I promise you will miss going to a building full of human beings you are familiar with. Even the pesky HR manager you swore you hated with all your guts. And coffee shops may provide occasional respite, but unless you are big on conversations with strangers (which this author isn’t), get used to some amount of isolation

Self discipline or lack thereof: This is easily my biggest challenge. Bossing yourself doesn’t come naturally to most people. I mean there is the new season of ‘Stanger Things’ waiting to be witnessed and one more episode never killed anyone. Well, except it did- your drive and discipline (and the money you could be making!). Getting out of the black hole of social media and on-demand entertainment, to focus on work or business development, is a massive mountain to climb. Take it from someone, who has devoured most well (and not-so-well) rated shows on all available streaming services available in the last few months. Damn you talented content creators.

Sureties or.. well, you know now: Like most things in life, freelancing comes with limited guarantees. In some sense, this is what makes the journey exciting, but for those who need a steady flow of income, it can be daunting. The consistency of work is not guaranteed and nor a complete return on time investment. You would do well do safeguard your work by ensuring legalities are taken care before you start work or pray hard that the humanity hasn’t gone to the dogs yet. If I were you, I would choose the former.

Before wrapping up this admittedly obvious list, I do want to mention another challenge that I am striving to overcome. Without trying to sound mighty philosophical, I would advise the future freelancers to also consider the repercussions of a possible identity loss that comes with quitting a job. Our society works extra-hard to ensure we make our titles our identities, and so far its doing a magnificent job of it. Therefore, apart from the financial risk, you do run the risk of impacting your mental health.

But like all things nice and pretty and revolutionary, successful freelancing is a game of initiative and perseverance. You don’t get to sip your Pina Colada on the beach on a weekday without sacrificing your Sundays to ‘urgent’ client needs. Notable freelancers and eventual entrepreneurs do say its addictive too. I’m on the fence here, but as the famous anonymous once said- At the end of comfort zones, lie unicorns and rainbows.

(Photo Source: Condenaststore.com)

The Validation Paradox

The one where I defend the need for societal assent because screw psychology, let’s be realistic

This isn’t an listicle (despicable word btw) telling you the 79 things you need to do, to feel better about yourself- go back to BuzzFeed for that. I have lately been evaluating the quality of my social interactions. Most people who know me (and probably the only ones reading this blog) would agree that I can oscillate between being a wallflower and wooo girl depending on where I lie on the scale of my comfort zone. But here’s the thing- after each of my social call, unfailingly, I have scored myself on performance. I mean not literally scoring myself on 1 to 10 (but if I was to, I would at least be a 6.5) but just satiating my inner critic’s need for self-approval.  And note that I might say self-approval, but what I really think it is- is plain old social validation- a subject that intrigues me increasingly these days.

Before you start assuming that it has anything remotely to do with introversion/extroversion- Let me say that in my experience extroverts are actually more susceptible to this feeling than the socially awkward introverts (No, I don’t have a psychology degree to prove this sweeping generality, but I observe, so sue me!) Some basic search on the subject matter might lead you to articles suggesting why one must, at all costs, release this desire to get external validation. And if you pursue the search, it will actually direct you a local psychologist’s contact number. I kid you not.

In case you're suffering from a serious bout of  "Do you approve?"

 So basically everyone, from Oprah to Baba Sehgal is trying to tell you that you gotta do your thang, but you KNOW, and that sinister little self critic knows, that your existence is pointless without a constantly bobbing self/social nod. And now I am tempted to write about the causal affect of Facebook, amongst other miseries of millennial life, but I will save it for another day.

I will, however throw in a little revelation that I made, upon some reflection. What if this cursed validation, is the reason why we actually manage to get out of our beds and comb our hair, feed our cats, show up at our miserable workstations, smile through our boss’s terrible jokes, listen to our partner complain about her terrible boss, diligently witness our friends fuck up or rise up, make grand life plans and relinquish grand life plans- all in a day’s time. And keep doing this repeatedly till we see a shiny little metaphorical thumb pointing up at the end of it all, belonging to our friend/parent/partner/boss/cat.  Is it really that awful to want to do something because it gives you an additional sense of worth? I mean sure you can argue that it all starts with a small stamp of approval and before you know it, you are posting a bazillion #Goodnight selfies to get you the 10 likes you need  for a good night’s sleep. But that’s just a gross extremity.

What if we managed to strike a balance, what if we let some of our actions governed by our desire to receive an A-O.K. from our society?  Actions that lead to self-improvement and increased probability of happiness. This blog, for instance, is likely a manifestation of my need to be acknowledged as someone with a semblance of creative prowess. See what the world would have missed out on if I hadn’t ignored this annoying voice in my head asking me to drop the act, and continue being the lazy ass that I am? Every time I step out of my beloved comfort zone, a part of me is just trying to give my inner critic or some speck of society, the one fingered salute. And I will probably go as far as to say that many of our bigger decisions are driven by the same sense of validation. Marriage- the most unnatural and fiscally fatal establishment, still exists because our society has refused to sanction any other form of romantic co-habitation- at least the Indian society. But it does kind of work, in a twisted way (I love all you married people though, and obviously secretly maintain my dream wedding scrapbook since puberty) And travel- the single most uniting exercise of the millennial. The newfound childhood dream and collective passion of an entire generation. Sure many of us are doing this for the likes, shares and re-tweets, but ask the booming travel industry, they must be worshiping the validation Gods. And we might just end up accidentally evolving a little in this process.

Okay, maybe it’s time I hit the brakes.  On parting note though, riddle me this- if we all just behaved the way our primordial instincts demanded us to, or stopped giving two tiny hoots about the society’s view of us, would we able to maintain civility? If we stopped caring about approval- self or external (in small measures), could we really be more than what we are at this point?

You can choose to sit on the fence, agree, or deny it vehemently, it’s probably just perspective; after all whoever needs my validation?

The Glorious Revenge Of The Nerds

The one where I don’t talk about Game of Thrones (because the world anyway is) and why nerds will dominate the world

In all the preceding hubbub about the brand new season of Game of Thrones, there were a few like me who were equally busy biting their nails for  HBO’s lesser known geekfest- Silicon Valley.  For the unfortunate lot who don’t know about it, Silicon Valley is a show encapsulating everything that comes with the tech start up universe (duh!) It most hilariously chronicles the euphoric wins and the soul-crushing lows of four Silicon Valley nerds and an occasionally likeable douchebag. The journey of these sporadically awkward but highly intelligent nerds and their misplaced cockiness had me at go. The show marries entertainment with intelligence in a breathtaking fashion. No prizes for guessing I was introduced to it by someone from the same league- A nerd.  Not just any nerd- a coder at that. The blue blooded, the royals if you may, of all nerds.

This brings me to the point of this blog post- what is it about this often misunderstood species, which makes them top contenders for world domination? Before we move further, setting the stage with this little Venn diagram to get the semantics right



For today's debate, we will stick to Nerds- clear occupants of the sweet spot

Move over the hot bodied, eyebrow plucking, clean shaved hotties in their V-necks, it’s the ones with the round glasses, 5’o clock shadow and canvas shoes who are winning the hearts of the opposite sex (and  venture capitalists) across the world.  If there is one clique that has marvelously benefitted from the social media and technology invasion, it’s the nerds. These are the guys (and girls) who believed in the power of machines and pointlessness of actual human interaction, way before anyone else did. And look how that turned out. We are currently living in the world that was practically built by nerds.  (World we are living in = Facebook = built by Mark Zuckerberg = Nerd)

In fact the urban millennial dictionary would no longer call them nerds; they are our generation’s hipsters. Admit it, there is a much bigger chance of you getting ostracized for your limited knowledge of Star Wars universe than David Guetta’s latest song (is he still around btw?) Point being, this is the best time for being an erstwhile weirdo, who is passionate about things that were earlier written off as ‘uncool’- Science, Science Fiction, Technology, history, fantasy, movies, gaming, coins, stamps and the works. The nerds are at the top of modern popular culture pyramid where men like Elon Musk, Stephen Hawking and Neil DeGrasse Tyson are equally, if not more, celebrated as the other ‘mainstream’ youth icons.  I mean the guy (Dr. Tyson) is literally responsible for ousting Pluto from the Planetdom of our galaxy.

It’s also mildly reassuring to see that the label itself has gone through an evolution. Being a nerd has moved away from the stereotypical image of a shabbily dressed male in 20-days old boxer shorts, making incoherent conversations and watching Star Trek reruns in his messy apartment. The new age nerds in a lot of cases are slick, full of wit and working their magic in massive corporates or running successful businesses. And if you’re not convinced, I have one word for you- James Goddamn Franco.

Now, I am no expert in social cliques or their psychology, but with my more than little experience of knowing nerds, I can definitely vouch for the amazing company they make. And they might be all different kinds but there is one thing that unites them and makes them incomprehensibly attractive, is their unending curiosity. Their love of knowledge is inspiring. You don’t have to be a coder or a comic book fanatic to be a nerd, the only credential you need to qualify as one, is your hunger to just know. Becoming an intellectual badass is just a perk. 





Because an article on nerds needs a Star Wars reference



Of Introversion, Extroversion, Ambiversion and Self-worth Determination

The one about pitting extroverts against introverts and honestly what a waste of time is that!

If you tell me that you have never taken an online test to determine your ‘true’ personality type then I don’t even want you here. Social media isn’t your deal mon ami. Go play with puppies or something, clearly you haven’t fully given yourself in to the inanity of the interwebs.

In my quest for complete self awareness that can put Yoda’s wisdom to shame, I have clicked on at least 1 million tests promising to reveal my one true real self. From the color of my retina to the length of my toenail, I have discovered secrets to my inner self that no Freud, Jung, Briggs or Myers could have possibly analyzed. And after a million such ‘credible’ tests, I have come to realize- I still have no darn clue what I really truly am. There are many moons in a year when I feel like the ’ceiling can’t hold me’ but on most other occasions, the ceiling of my room is the only thing I am interested in observing.

Even with the wisdom passed on to me by tests such as ‘Which ancient Goddess are you most like’, I am yet to discover if I was made to conquer the world with my undeniable (and often alcohol induced) charm or to write a blog on ‘how to conquer the world’, sipping on my Red Label (Chai, of course).  But along with my eternal quandary, there is a bigger debate that we have on hand here. Does it really matter whether you are an extrovert about town or an introvert day-dreaming in your pyjamas, to be happy AND thriving? How important is it really is to be charmer strutting in every party, butting in every conversation, and living off other people’s energy in general, to be a successful person?  Before we attempt to answer this, here is a scale for you to identify your personality color, created by Herr Carl Jung of Germany:

I have given it some (or a lot of) thought to why do extroverts seem better placed for success in life than the introverts who, even with all their talent, have been restricted to the “non-leaders” territory. Why have the Blues been largely reduced to supporting roles and the Reds are visibly encouraged and viewed as stronger personalities?

Even with my relatively short 6 years of work life, I have experienced a serious difference in the treatment of an introvert and an extrovert in a typical corporate workplace and it really bothers me. Really, if I am not much for your useless chatter and the compulsive need to ‘make my presence felt’; does it make me any less of a leader? There was once a glorious time when ‘stand out’ wasn’t the life goal of all and sundry, and introversion was actually appreciated and spoke of depth. And then capitalism happened. Anyway, that is a debate for future.

Now, before you start Tsk-ing in your all-knowingness, that I am dishing it out to extroverts because I am aware of my strong introvertedness, here is the thing- I don’t have a problem with extroverts at all. Infact all of my close friends happen to be bundles of boundless energy planning on world domination. However, I have a problem with a society that has stopped believing in the power of quiet and faith in individualism. A lot, perhaps, is to do with how we no longer have the patience to give a chance to those who have vast potential but a thoughtful or deliberate working/life style. We, as companies, as managers, as humans, as cats, honestly have 3 seconds for you to show results, and if not then at least talk loudly about showing results, so the real issues can drown out in the noise. We, sir, have no time to invest in your talent or wait for you to actually prove your genius when we can get someone who can talk about being a genius. You can, as Mr. Russell Peters most famously conveyed, take it and go!

Some might say that there are certain ‘types’ of jobs fit for introverts and extroverts. Not sure if that stereotypical categorization is entirely fair- I mean if I am an introvert, I will be an accountant or an engineer, what if I have a massive bank of ideas for brand management as well as the acumen to execute them? Are my networking skills (or lack thereof) really a deterrent?  And what if being an extrovert doesn’t mean I want join a clique of a 1000 other Marketing MBAs to become CEO, and just actually want to be a freelance photographer? And here, let me break a little myth backed by quickly googled facts- according to a recent study by Wharton Business School, extroverts, as opposed to the general notion, do NOT make  good salespeople- mostly because they are incapable of trying different approaches to deal with a situation/person.  

And while we are breaking myths, here is another fun fact- most of us are actually neither extreme introverts nor extroverts. And quoting Herr Carl Jung again, as he succinctly said- if we were anything extreme between these two types- we would inhabit mental asylums!  Most of us in fact are ambiverts- largely balanced personality types, either truly enjoying the best of both worlds, or at least successfully pretending to be one of them. Think about it, just because you are right handed and use your left brain, doesn’t mean your right brain is lying dead. Anyhoo, this has gone on for too long- here’s my parting thought if you are still confused about who actually won- IT DOESN’T MATTER! Each type is essential to making life/work successful- So stop romanticizing introversion or gratifying extroversion. Give people a chance on one thing we seem to forget too often- Merit.

And really, I love all my happy chirpy extroverts and quiet thoughtful introverts.  Big kiss and awkward hugs respectively.


(Okay, who am I kidding, I really like my company the best)

 Love,

Me

Out Beyond The Ideas of Rightdoing and Wrongdoing, There is a Field….

That’s where you will meet Imtiaz Ali’s yet another existential tale- Tamasha. Also, this is not a review. This is the one where I talk about ‘grey’- not just a great shade for your Ralph Lauren sweater, but also a hugely awesome area to establish your existence in.

If you are looking for a learned critique on the compelling cinematic experience of Tamasha, please feel free to exit the premise because that’s not why I am here. I am here for an an idea that has hit me as I sit listening to Rehman’s addictive soundtrack of the movie that is eliciting bipolar reactions from junta with some calling it Poetry in Motion, to others who are still looking for ‘the story’.  My personal opinion on the movie aside, the idea or the question that got me pondering (not for the first time) - why exactly are we such suckers for absolutes?  Why do we have such aversion to the unknown? And by ‘we’ I mean you, the society. Me?  My whole life so far has been the world’s vastest shade card of ‘grey’.  Here I would like to clarify what I mean when I say ‘grey’. In psychological sense, ‘grey’ is an area of uncertainty,  or as the most credible source of information- Google, states- an ill-defined situation or area of activity not readily conforming to a category or set of rules.  

Those familiar with Ali’s work, would recognize that most of his protagonists have championed the art of Grey, and are suffering from a chronic case of confusion. Whether it’s battling societal conformity (Ved/Veera/Jordan/Geet) or choosing to not choose anything (Tara/Aditya), most of his creations have questionable decision making skills.  And while he might drive them to a happy ending in most cases, do we, the permanent dwellers of grey area, succeed in finding contentment in this constant bamboozlement?  The answer is unfortunately as grey as the subject I have chosen to write about, on a bright Sunday afternoon.

The Grey Area or the uncertain life, is por obvio not ideal, there is constant anxiety that you have to learn to live with. Your loved ones don’t exactly love to see you maintaining status quo when it’s time for decision making that should ideally sound like chop-chop. But let me tell you the beauty of living in the grey, it’s a bright shiny word called- POSSIBILITIES! Living by the rules and being sure will rarely lead you to the path full of surprises (or shocks, who can say really?) But here in this space where you just don’t know, this is where the room for serendipity is.

I am not taking anything away from those like to plan their lives to their last breath or follow rules like their lives depended on it. It’s great! But as someone who, with full awareness, resides in the grey, I expect the same respect. Why exactly is the world so scared of being in the unknown? I will tell you why- the same reason why you will never put 90s music in your phone but would secretly OD on it- fear of judgement! We are forced to take snap decisions or label people instantly or fear ambiguity, all because we are mortified of that one single consequence - Arey log kya kahenge(ALKK). I can say this from the very recent and very long work sabbatical I took.  There I was, sitting on my tiny ass everyday fantasying about getting a foot massage from Idris Elba, instead of deciding which mediocre job offer I should take up. Unfortunately even those who love me dearly, and with their best intentions, couldn't spare me the judgement for uncertainty. And quite a many times, I succumbed to this judgement and went dangerously close to acting on my fear of ALKK. Thankfully better sense or, the power or grey prevailed. Even as I write this blog I have atleast 10 important things in my life I don’t know where to place. They have made a comfortable little nest in the grey and don’t seem to budge however hard I try to confuse them with my supposed ‘clarity’.

But that’s the good part about growing older; you don’t really mind the greys after a while, in your hair or your existence. You gracefully accept them, try to make some sense of them, fill your empty time analyzing them but mostly you let them take their time. Whenever your heart and mind are in tandem they will quietly leave the nest and naturally move to that defined place, the world so desperately seeks. Till then you let them live, in Imitiaz Ali’s movies, and in a cozy little corner of your mind.

The Cool Girl Conundrum

The one where I discover the correlation between being a cool girl and a happy girl- hint: there is none!

“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl”

-Outpouring of truth and wisdom, by Gillian Flynn in her brilliantly crazy thriller- Gone Girl.

And here is another line that follows the quote- Men actually think she exists! Now if this doesn’t capture the reality of modern dating/relationship for women then I don’t know what does? Now, one might say that I am quoting a bat shit maniacal murderer as the authority on relationships, but hand to heart-  do you really not see the truth in this mildly exaggerated rant?

I am not saying all of us have lost our individuality to become the perfect little cool girls for the men in our lives but at some point most of us really just wanted to be labeled ‘cool’ more than ‘intelligent’, ‘funny’, ‘talented’ or ‘ambitious’. And what exactly defines ‘cool’?  Apart from the aforementioned examples, what it really means is being the man himself. Be what he is, in all its glory while maintaining a perfect 10. And if you fail to replicate his apparent awesomeness, be the one who is ‘cool’ with everything he does/says/eats/drinks/farts.  Forget your love for pink and hold those cosmos, because being the ‘cool’ girl means you have to let go of all things feminine and God forbid if you have any feminist ideas. Extra points, if you indulge in feminist bashing, and stand up for the ‘cause’ of ‘inequality’ faced by men.

What really baffles me the most is that a lot of men don’t even realize that there is such a need for validation that women constantly seek. It would be unfair to blame them for us putting up this façade because we feel that it’s the only way to receive their approval, respect or love. Only chip on the shoulder however, is that men refuse to acknowledge that there is no such thing as a perfectly cool girl They continue believing in the myth just like they believe in Sunny Leone’s ‘real’ boobs. Hate to break it you boys but your girlfriend isn’t actually a ‘Gunner’s girl’ as she promised you and blow jobs don’t really ‘do it’ for her and she is surely not that into other women as she professes to be. But these are generalizations and there could be different versions of the cool girl depending on the guy she is with. If she is with a guy who’s into girls who love pink, she will become a walking mass of cotton candy with a bow on top. If the guy likes grunge, you can spot her with a resting bitch face and kohl smeared till her neck. All iterations leading to one goal- Like me, love me, respect me!

Some might say that as women grow older, they get more comfortable with how they are but this need for validation often sets a strong masochistic foundation. We might stop asking pointed questions like- ‘I am chilled out right? RIGHT!?’ at 29 but we still ‘understand’ for the 100^th time when our partner forgets that special date and decides to work late while we wait for him wearing his favorite dress after having cooked his favorite meal. Congratulations, from being a ‘cool girl’ we have now graduated to being a ‘cool woman’.

Needless to say, it is not a sustainable approach to make yourself happy or even desirable for that matter; no wolf in a sheep’s clothing can stay there for too long- even if the clothing makes him look like a  Greek f****ing God.

I am a strong believer in compromise to conquer, when it comes to making a relationship work but losing your identity is too big a price to pay. I have done it in the past (who do you think pretended to be a Gunners Girl) but I was far from being happy and guess what, it probably showed more than I thought. And now, if not 100%, I am mostly me, cool or not.

Go ahead, simplify it. Next time instead of complaining to your BFF about how you hate his favorite female colleague, gently let your man know your reservations of spending too much time with her. Next time he forgets your anniversary, ask him pointedly to make up for it. Don’t miss your Bollywood movie because B-wood is too ‘mainstream’ for his liking.  Forget about being a cool girl. Be the happy girl. And trust me the men will thank you for it. Let them worry about what they like, you go about being your amazingly sexy awesome self.

Love,

Me