The Validation Paradox

The one where I defend the need for societal assent because screw psychology, let’s be realistic

This isn’t an listicle (despicable word btw) telling you the 79 things you need to do, to feel better about yourself- go back to BuzzFeed for that. I have lately been evaluating the quality of my social interactions. Most people who know me (and probably the only ones reading this blog) would agree that I can oscillate between being a wallflower and wooo girl depending on where I lie on the scale of my comfort zone. But here’s the thing- after each of my social call, unfailingly, I have scored myself on performance. I mean not literally scoring myself on 1 to 10 (but if I was to, I would at least be a 6.5) but just satiating my inner critic’s need for self-approval.  And note that I might say self-approval, but what I really think it is- is plain old social validation- a subject that intrigues me increasingly these days.

Before you start assuming that it has anything remotely to do with introversion/extroversion- Let me say that in my experience extroverts are actually more susceptible to this feeling than the socially awkward introverts (No, I don’t have a psychology degree to prove this sweeping generality, but I observe, so sue me!) Some basic search on the subject matter might lead you to articles suggesting why one must, at all costs, release this desire to get external validation. And if you pursue the search, it will actually direct you a local psychologist’s contact number. I kid you not.

In case you're suffering from a serious bout of  "Do you approve?"

 So basically everyone, from Oprah to Baba Sehgal is trying to tell you that you gotta do your thang, but you KNOW, and that sinister little self critic knows, that your existence is pointless without a constantly bobbing self/social nod. And now I am tempted to write about the causal affect of Facebook, amongst other miseries of millennial life, but I will save it for another day.

I will, however throw in a little revelation that I made, upon some reflection. What if this cursed validation, is the reason why we actually manage to get out of our beds and comb our hair, feed our cats, show up at our miserable workstations, smile through our boss’s terrible jokes, listen to our partner complain about her terrible boss, diligently witness our friends fuck up or rise up, make grand life plans and relinquish grand life plans- all in a day’s time. And keep doing this repeatedly till we see a shiny little metaphorical thumb pointing up at the end of it all, belonging to our friend/parent/partner/boss/cat.  Is it really that awful to want to do something because it gives you an additional sense of worth? I mean sure you can argue that it all starts with a small stamp of approval and before you know it, you are posting a bazillion #Goodnight selfies to get you the 10 likes you need  for a good night’s sleep. But that’s just a gross extremity.

What if we managed to strike a balance, what if we let some of our actions governed by our desire to receive an A-O.K. from our society?  Actions that lead to self-improvement and increased probability of happiness. This blog, for instance, is likely a manifestation of my need to be acknowledged as someone with a semblance of creative prowess. See what the world would have missed out on if I hadn’t ignored this annoying voice in my head asking me to drop the act, and continue being the lazy ass that I am? Every time I step out of my beloved comfort zone, a part of me is just trying to give my inner critic or some speck of society, the one fingered salute. And I will probably go as far as to say that many of our bigger decisions are driven by the same sense of validation. Marriage- the most unnatural and fiscally fatal establishment, still exists because our society has refused to sanction any other form of romantic co-habitation- at least the Indian society. But it does kind of work, in a twisted way (I love all you married people though, and obviously secretly maintain my dream wedding scrapbook since puberty) And travel- the single most uniting exercise of the millennial. The newfound childhood dream and collective passion of an entire generation. Sure many of us are doing this for the likes, shares and re-tweets, but ask the booming travel industry, they must be worshiping the validation Gods. And we might just end up accidentally evolving a little in this process.

Okay, maybe it’s time I hit the brakes.  On parting note though, riddle me this- if we all just behaved the way our primordial instincts demanded us to, or stopped giving two tiny hoots about the society’s view of us, would we able to maintain civility? If we stopped caring about approval- self or external (in small measures), could we really be more than what we are at this point?

You can choose to sit on the fence, agree, or deny it vehemently, it’s probably just perspective; after all whoever needs my validation?

The Glorious Revenge Of The Nerds

The one where I don’t talk about Game of Thrones (because the world anyway is) and why nerds will dominate the world

In all the preceding hubbub about the brand new season of Game of Thrones, there were a few like me who were equally busy biting their nails for  HBO’s lesser known geekfest- Silicon Valley.  For the unfortunate lot who don’t know about it, Silicon Valley is a show encapsulating everything that comes with the tech start up universe (duh!) It most hilariously chronicles the euphoric wins and the soul-crushing lows of four Silicon Valley nerds and an occasionally likeable douchebag. The journey of these sporadically awkward but highly intelligent nerds and their misplaced cockiness had me at go. The show marries entertainment with intelligence in a breathtaking fashion. No prizes for guessing I was introduced to it by someone from the same league- A nerd.  Not just any nerd- a coder at that. The blue blooded, the royals if you may, of all nerds.

This brings me to the point of this blog post- what is it about this often misunderstood species, which makes them top contenders for world domination? Before we move further, setting the stage with this little Venn diagram to get the semantics right



For today's debate, we will stick to Nerds- clear occupants of the sweet spot

Move over the hot bodied, eyebrow plucking, clean shaved hotties in their V-necks, it’s the ones with the round glasses, 5’o clock shadow and canvas shoes who are winning the hearts of the opposite sex (and  venture capitalists) across the world.  If there is one clique that has marvelously benefitted from the social media and technology invasion, it’s the nerds. These are the guys (and girls) who believed in the power of machines and pointlessness of actual human interaction, way before anyone else did. And look how that turned out. We are currently living in the world that was practically built by nerds.  (World we are living in = Facebook = built by Mark Zuckerberg = Nerd)

In fact the urban millennial dictionary would no longer call them nerds; they are our generation’s hipsters. Admit it, there is a much bigger chance of you getting ostracized for your limited knowledge of Star Wars universe than David Guetta’s latest song (is he still around btw?) Point being, this is the best time for being an erstwhile weirdo, who is passionate about things that were earlier written off as ‘uncool’- Science, Science Fiction, Technology, history, fantasy, movies, gaming, coins, stamps and the works. The nerds are at the top of modern popular culture pyramid where men like Elon Musk, Stephen Hawking and Neil DeGrasse Tyson are equally, if not more, celebrated as the other ‘mainstream’ youth icons.  I mean the guy (Dr. Tyson) is literally responsible for ousting Pluto from the Planetdom of our galaxy.

It’s also mildly reassuring to see that the label itself has gone through an evolution. Being a nerd has moved away from the stereotypical image of a shabbily dressed male in 20-days old boxer shorts, making incoherent conversations and watching Star Trek reruns in his messy apartment. The new age nerds in a lot of cases are slick, full of wit and working their magic in massive corporates or running successful businesses. And if you’re not convinced, I have one word for you- James Goddamn Franco.

Now, I am no expert in social cliques or their psychology, but with my more than little experience of knowing nerds, I can definitely vouch for the amazing company they make. And they might be all different kinds but there is one thing that unites them and makes them incomprehensibly attractive, is their unending curiosity. Their love of knowledge is inspiring. You don’t have to be a coder or a comic book fanatic to be a nerd, the only credential you need to qualify as one, is your hunger to just know. Becoming an intellectual badass is just a perk. 





Because an article on nerds needs a Star Wars reference



Of Introversion, Extroversion, Ambiversion and Self-worth Determination

The one about pitting extroverts against introverts and honestly what a waste of time is that!

If you tell me that you have never taken an online test to determine your ‘true’ personality type then I don’t even want you here. Social media isn’t your deal mon ami. Go play with puppies or something, clearly you haven’t fully given yourself in to the inanity of the interwebs.

In my quest for complete self awareness that can put Yoda’s wisdom to shame, I have clicked on at least 1 million tests promising to reveal my one true real self. From the color of my retina to the length of my toenail, I have discovered secrets to my inner self that no Freud, Jung, Briggs or Myers could have possibly analyzed. And after a million such ‘credible’ tests, I have come to realize- I still have no darn clue what I really truly am. There are many moons in a year when I feel like the ’ceiling can’t hold me’ but on most other occasions, the ceiling of my room is the only thing I am interested in observing.

Even with the wisdom passed on to me by tests such as ‘Which ancient Goddess are you most like’, I am yet to discover if I was made to conquer the world with my undeniable (and often alcohol induced) charm or to write a blog on ‘how to conquer the world’, sipping on my Red Label (Chai, of course).  But along with my eternal quandary, there is a bigger debate that we have on hand here. Does it really matter whether you are an extrovert about town or an introvert day-dreaming in your pyjamas, to be happy AND thriving? How important is it really is to be charmer strutting in every party, butting in every conversation, and living off other people’s energy in general, to be a successful person?  Before we attempt to answer this, here is a scale for you to identify your personality color, created by Herr Carl Jung of Germany:

I have given it some (or a lot of) thought to why do extroverts seem better placed for success in life than the introverts who, even with all their talent, have been restricted to the “non-leaders” territory. Why have the Blues been largely reduced to supporting roles and the Reds are visibly encouraged and viewed as stronger personalities?

Even with my relatively short 6 years of work life, I have experienced a serious difference in the treatment of an introvert and an extrovert in a typical corporate workplace and it really bothers me. Really, if I am not much for your useless chatter and the compulsive need to ‘make my presence felt’; does it make me any less of a leader? There was once a glorious time when ‘stand out’ wasn’t the life goal of all and sundry, and introversion was actually appreciated and spoke of depth. And then capitalism happened. Anyway, that is a debate for future.

Now, before you start Tsk-ing in your all-knowingness, that I am dishing it out to extroverts because I am aware of my strong introvertedness, here is the thing- I don’t have a problem with extroverts at all. Infact all of my close friends happen to be bundles of boundless energy planning on world domination. However, I have a problem with a society that has stopped believing in the power of quiet and faith in individualism. A lot, perhaps, is to do with how we no longer have the patience to give a chance to those who have vast potential but a thoughtful or deliberate working/life style. We, as companies, as managers, as humans, as cats, honestly have 3 seconds for you to show results, and if not then at least talk loudly about showing results, so the real issues can drown out in the noise. We, sir, have no time to invest in your talent or wait for you to actually prove your genius when we can get someone who can talk about being a genius. You can, as Mr. Russell Peters most famously conveyed, take it and go!

Some might say that there are certain ‘types’ of jobs fit for introverts and extroverts. Not sure if that stereotypical categorization is entirely fair- I mean if I am an introvert, I will be an accountant or an engineer, what if I have a massive bank of ideas for brand management as well as the acumen to execute them? Are my networking skills (or lack thereof) really a deterrent?  And what if being an extrovert doesn’t mean I want join a clique of a 1000 other Marketing MBAs to become CEO, and just actually want to be a freelance photographer? And here, let me break a little myth backed by quickly googled facts- according to a recent study by Wharton Business School, extroverts, as opposed to the general notion, do NOT make  good salespeople- mostly because they are incapable of trying different approaches to deal with a situation/person.  

And while we are breaking myths, here is another fun fact- most of us are actually neither extreme introverts nor extroverts. And quoting Herr Carl Jung again, as he succinctly said- if we were anything extreme between these two types- we would inhabit mental asylums!  Most of us in fact are ambiverts- largely balanced personality types, either truly enjoying the best of both worlds, or at least successfully pretending to be one of them. Think about it, just because you are right handed and use your left brain, doesn’t mean your right brain is lying dead. Anyhoo, this has gone on for too long- here’s my parting thought if you are still confused about who actually won- IT DOESN’T MATTER! Each type is essential to making life/work successful- So stop romanticizing introversion or gratifying extroversion. Give people a chance on one thing we seem to forget too often- Merit.

And really, I love all my happy chirpy extroverts and quiet thoughtful introverts.  Big kiss and awkward hugs respectively.


(Okay, who am I kidding, I really like my company the best)

 Love,

Me